When Hearts Change

There’s a Christmas song I downloaded last year that is lovely and uplifting and sweet. When this song came up on my shuffle playlist the other day, one line in particular really called out to me…When Hearts Change.

When I heard that line, the thought immediately popped into my head that my heart is changing. Right here, right now in myriad different ways. I’m experiencing growing pains, if you will. Little pokes and prods and moments of peace and sorrow that remind me I’m feeling. Moments such as…

* Realizing that the one who you had your heart and soul invested in has moved on to another and is never going to be yours again. No more sweet, tender moments late at night after sharing deep confessions and feelings. No more feeling the center of the world in his arms. Everything from here must be sanitized and framed within the context of “just friends” in order for there to be any interaction at all.  His choice has been made and, in making that choice, he also forced me to make mine.

* Looking into the eyes of a man you’ve known for years and suddenly seeing something there you didn’t before. The intensity of a stare in a moment when there is nothing more than you and him locked in a sweet, innocent physical connection that burns with an intensity that takes your breath away.

* Having the two-and-half year-old that you love more than your own life fall asleep in your arms or willingly seek you out for a kiss and hug. And the bittersweet of knowing that such moments are fleeting the older he gets.

* Knowing in your heart and soul that it’s time for a change- a fresh start. And trying to figure out where that start should take place. Closer to family and roots? Or someplace visited in a dream or book that has always tantalized and teased with the question of “what if…”

* Finally understanding that some people just aren’t capable of loving and giving to you the way you want or need them to. And realizing that you either need to accept them as they are or let go and move on. Not because they are bad or wrong, but because you know that you need, and deserve, so much more than they are capable of giving.

* Seeing the results of 50 squats a day in the mirror when you look at your behind in yoga pants. (I had to throw some levity in here somewhere.)

My heart is changing. Right now it is broken and full of sorrow and hurt but I know it won’t last. I know that I am stronger than any heartbreak and that the darkness of today will make the sunshine all the more precious tomorrow. And I also know that, deep inside, there is something in me- call it mettle or grit or stubbornness that won’t let the sadness prevail for long. I’ll wallow a bit longer, allowing the sadness to make me vulnerable and open my eyes and heart to love and truth and forgiveness. Then I’ll do what I’ve always done, stand back up stronger and more determined and love like I never had a broken heart.

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